Frustration

Dead tired and out of sync with what I really want. And then I can't.

Writers block. Is it? If it is it must mean that I am a writer.if not I cannot suffer reform writers block. Then is the no idea about what to write just common normal. As I as a common normal doesn't write a thing.

No, I am not a writer and this is not writers block. This I a bit of frustration and tiredness I guess. I have just been reading an essay about Participation in Design. It was someone clever from M.I.T. -yes that M.I.T- and was about design and architects role and way of work in this new millennium. In many ways very interesting and uplifting and important in the way I am thinking myself, which now seems to be lingering as a new kind of trend among younger people.

So why does this frustrate me, it seems it should be uplifting for me.

I read it as part of a online Harvard Course I am currently take now, and I liked it. Or rather I liked the parts I can remember from it. This is my frustration.

I need to develop and to take on new knowledge and gain new skills and I really really want to. I have done all assignments by now and are good in it, however, reading all this clever stuff is what frustrates me. Not reading it. It seems interesting and I like it, but I can't remember a bloody f...... thing of it. As soon as I am about one sentence or 17 words in it, my mind starts to wonder. Suddenly I remember some episode from the children's film camp I participated in when I worked in eastern Germany and my mind are occupied with that for a minute.

Then I shuttle myself back to the text and back to the beginning and I start all over, but the text is complete new to me, as if it is the very first time I read it, and I've just read it less than two and a half minutes ago.

When my good Tai Tai asks me what I learned in the session, I can't tell her a thing, because I do not remember.

I can remember episodes from all our holidays and I can remember passages in fictional books I've read and I can remember from day to day when I read a book, what I read the night before. But I can't remember or focus when I read clever non fiction or should we call it academically reading.

I believe I have a growth mind set. At least I've learned I need to have one, so I believe I do.

However, with reading stuff like this I just need to say: I can't.

Even there is no such thing, I can't.

So maybe I am suffering of some kind of disorder. A denial of clever academically stuff. Denial of difficult stuff to read disorder.

Must say it do sound like something one could suffer from. In 2016.

So what do I do about it.

Read it again and again to hope more and more of the sentences will stick on the inside of that social led brain of mine.

Some of it does. But not nearly enough and it frustrates me so immensely much.

To go back to the essay I've just read before I started to write here.

I can only really remember something about the architect Mies Van der Rohe and something he said about the people taking ownership the buildings he created and how he couldn't stand they would personalise those buildings because it would ruin his functional aesthetics to the bit about the author sitting stuck in traffic with a friend, raving about all the ignorant and selfish owners of huge SUV's and Hummer's and other mega fuel eating carbon monsters, who causes the traffic to break down.

Two statement, two paragraphs that stuck in my memory.

From an entire essay.

So frustrating. 

But it is not writers block. It could be readers block!

Anyone out there who can give my a useful tip or three?